Sam--Put whut down?
Henry (disgusted with Sam)--Listen to de Diamond! Listen! Go ahead, Diamond.
Diamond--Brothers, as officers of de Jewels of de Crown, de problem dat now refronts us is dis.
Sam (trying to act intelligent)--I be doggoned, Diamond. Yo' got us told dat time.
Henry--He ain't told us yet whut he goin' told us.
Diamond--Brothers, de President of de United States say he do not choose----
Sam (interrupting)--He do not choose tobacco?
Henry--O--O. Go ahead, Diamond. Diamond--De President of de United States do not choose----
Sam (interrupting again)--If he don't choose, maybe he smokes.
Henry (to Diamond)--Don't pay no 'tention to him Diamond.
Diamond (continuing)--An' what we gotta do is to re-elect a candidate from de Jewels of de Crown to be nominated fo' de President of de United States.

CAMPAIGN FUNDS

Sam--In case I'se President, tell me dis--do de United States take in Bum- min'ham and Chicago?
Henry--It takes in everything dat's in de jurisdictionary of de United States.
Sam--If I'se 'lected President, I'se certainly goin' down to Bummin'ham an' tell dat Pullman po'tah dat's in love wid Liza a mouthful.
Diamond--Brothers, we has lots of things to resider. We is gotta have stump speakers.
Henry--Sam would be a good one to talk to a stump.
Sam--Is dose tree stumps or cigaret stumps?
Diamond--Boys, dis heah thing means de future an' de destitution of
de human race.
Henry--Sam can't run in dat less he gits more sense dan he got now. Diamond--Brothers, we is gotta have campaign funds----
Henry--O--O. I thought it was money comin' somewhere. I'm out.
Diamond--No, no, Henry. Dey gives us de money.
Henry--I'm back in.
Diamond--But, boys, now let's git down to bizness. One of yo' boys is gonna be nominated as a candidate fo' de President of de United States. Now, which one of yo' wants to be de President?
Henry--It's between me 'n' Sam, ain't it?

SHOOT YOU FOR IT

Sam (to Henry)--I'll shoot yo' craps fo' it. Yo' got a pair o' dice?
Diamond--Boys, yo' can't shoot craps when you'se de President.
Henry--Whut's goin' become o' de other one if one o' us is 'lected Presi- dent?
Diamond--Whoever is 'lected of you two 'points de other one Secketary of de Interior.
Sam--Where is dat?
Henry--De main thing now is to send dese letters out an' git de mem- bers down heah to a meetin' so we kin get goin'.
Sam--We ought to borrow enough money from somebody.
Diamond--Boys, I got a idea.
Henry--Whut is it--whut is it?
Diamond--Boys, my wife is got some money in her pocketbook in de bed- room over at my house an' she's got some folks over in de parlor. Henry, yo' git in de back window an' git de money.
Henry--I quit. Let Sam be de Presi- dent.
Sam May Get
Into the Race
for Cal's Job

(The Jewels of the Crown decie to run Sam or Henry for President of the United States. Here we find Sam, Henry and the Most Precious Diamond in the secretary's office at the lodge hall talking over the situation.)

Sam (excited)--Well, whut in de world is we gonn do 'bout it. Dat's de next thing. Let's start right now.
Henry--We ought to git all de offi- cers together an' have a meetin', dat's whut we ought to do.
Diamond--Boys, I'm tellin' yo', as de Most Precious Diamond of de Mother Lodge of de Jewels of de Crown of Chicago, dis will be de great- est thing dat we ever done since we started dis peaceful an' regressive lodge.
Sam--Yo' don't mean to tell me.
Henry--Shut up, Sam! De more yo' say de worse off things is.
Sam--I better send Liza a telegram and tell her 'bout it, ain't I?
Henry--Don't send Liza no telegram.
(Telephone rings)
Henry--Answer de telephone, Sam.
Diamond--If it's my wife, I ain't heah.
Sam (picking up the phone)--Hello. Dis heah's de Jewels of de Crown. De Crown, de Crown. O dis heah is Sam talkin', Pete----
Henry (to Sam)--Take yo' time now
Sam (in phone)--Hello, Pete. De Dia- mond is done got a idea. Come on over.

COOLIDGE TO QUIT

Henry--Tell him to bring some money wid him so we kin git some stamps.
Sam (to Henry)--Tell him whut? Henry--Nuthin'! Nuthin'!
Sam (in phone)--Hello, Pete! Henry told me to tell yo' "nuthin', nuthin'." Whut's dat?----(to Diamond)--Dia- mond, he want to know whut's we'se doin' over heah--whut de trouble is.
Henry (to Diamond)--Go ahead, tell him, Diamond.
Diamond (to Sam)--Go ahead, Sam, give Pete an idea o' whut we'se tryin' to do.
Sam (in phone)--Hello, Pete. I'll 'splain it to yo' over de phone. Yo' know President Coolidge is done hand- ed in his application so de Diamond is gonna have either me or Henry run fo' de President of de United States. Dat's right. Henry ain't recided yet whether he wants to be de President or not. Come on over, Pete--soon as yo' kin. A'right, Pete.
Diamond (as Sam finished with the phone)--Now listen, boys--de first thing we gotta do is to have a remer- gency meetin' of all de members of de Jewels of de Crown.
Henry--How is we gonna git 'em all together?
Diamond--Write each one of 'em a letter.
Henry--Where is we gonna git de stamps from?
Diamond--De President of de United States ain't gonna have no trouble git- tin' stamps to git elected wid, is he?
Sam--We ain't de President yet, though.
Henry--If yo' don't git some sense in yo' head, we ain't gonna NEVER be de President.
Diamond--Well, now listen, boys, we gotta git down to bizness heah.
Henry--Let's have a meetin' right heah.
Sam--Go ahead, call de roll. I'se heah.
Henry--Go ahead, Diamond, call de roll.
Diamond--Boys, we will now have a remergency meetin' of de Jewels of de Crown. Sam, take down de min- utes of de meetin'.
Sam--Take 'em down where?
Henry--On a piece of paper.
Sam--Where is dey?
Diamond--Dey is comin' now.
Sam--From which way?
Henry--Jes' write down sumpin'. Don't talk so much. Dis heah's seri- ous.
Diamond--I'll call de roll. Sam Smith!
Sam--Heah!
Diamond--Henry Johnson!
Henry--Wait a minute hear. Dia- mond, I ought to come befo' Sam.
Sam--It don't make no diff'ence, Henry.
Henry--It make a lot o' diff'ence.
Diamond--Well, anyway, boys, we'll git into de meetin. Now, Sam, you is de Detector of de Lodge. Put dis down in de minutes.