"Colonel Coon's Wife Judy" from the Crockett Almanac (1837)

It's most likely my readers has all heerd of Colonel Coon's wife Judy. She wore a bearskin petticoat, an alligator's hide for an overcoat, an eagle's nest for a hat, with a wildcat's tail for a feather. When she was fourteen years old, she wrung off a snappin turtle's neck, and made a comb of its shell, which she wears to this day. When she was sixteen years old, she run down a four-year-old colt and chased a bear three mile through the snow, because she wanted his hair to make a toothbrush. She out-screamed a catamount, on a wager, and sucked forty rattlesnake eggs, just to give her a sweet breath, the night she was married.

It was not at all likely that Judy would throw herself away on any young fellow that was a mind to set up a claim to her, and so many of 'em found they were barkin up the wrong tree and gettin their fingers pricked with a chestnut burr.

At last, one Tennessee roarer, that never backed out for anything short of a mammoth, heard of Judy's accomplishments, and 'termined to try his flint ag'in her steel. So he got into a jumper on a cold winter night, and drove through the woods towards her father's house. He begun to scream before he got within sight of the log hut where Judy lived, and his woice was heard five mile off. Judy's heart begun to beat when she heard him, for she knew whoever he was, he was a whole steamboat.

When he got to the house, he give one leap from his jumper, dashed down the door, and bounced into the middle of the room. "Tom Coon, by jingo," cried everone in the house -for he was no stranger by fame, though they had never seen him before. Judy right away set down in a corner to try his spunk, and said not a word, good or bad. He pulled half a dozen eyes out of his pocket, and flingin 'em down on the floor, swore with a round oath that he'd place any man's eyes by the side of them that dared to say a word ag'in Judy! Judy then jumped up like a frog and said, "Tom Coon, I'm yours for life-I know what you've come for, and I'll be your wedded wife without any more fustification about it."

So Tom got Judy and all her plunder. Tom took her into Tennessee with him right away, and begun to make a little clearin in the midst of the wood, when Judy soon gave him a specimen of her talent. For being out one evenin to a tea-squall, about ten mile off, in coming home through the wood she found a nest of young wildcats in the stump of a tree. She said nothin about it when she went home, but let her toenails grow till they were an inch long, when she started all alone, one mornin and went to the nest, and jumpin in upon the young wildcats, stamped them to death with her feet. It was quite a tough job, and they bit her legs most ridiculously, but she stood up to the scratch, though they scratched her backsides so tarnaciously they've never itched since.