ARRIVING IN NEW YORK HARBOUR. 1824. Manners of Young American Women; Their Interaction with Bachelors.
And now a little incident occurred, which, as it manifests a marked difference in the manners, and perhaps in the characters of those who inhabit this republic, and the possessors of our own Europe, I shall take the liberty to introduce.
I have already mentioned a fair creature as being among our passengers. She is of that age when, in our eyes, the sex is most alluring, because we know it to be the most innocent. I do not think her years can much exceed seventeen. Happily, your Belgic temperament is too mercurial to require a tincture of romance to give interest to a simple picture, in which delicacy, feminine beauty, and the most commendable ingenuousness, were admirably mingled. Neither am I, albeit, past the time of day-dreams, and wakeful nights, so utterly insensible to the attractions of such a being, as to have passed three weeks in her society, without experiencing some portion of that manly interest in her welfare, which, I fear, it has been my evil fortune to have felt for too many of the syrens in general, to permit a sufficient concentration of the sentiment, in favour of any one in particular. I had certainly not forgotten, during the passage, to manifest a proper spirit of homage to the loveliness of the sex, in the person of this young American ; nor do I think that my manner failed to express a prudent and saving degree of the admiration that was excited by her gentle, natural, and nymph-ike deportment, no less than by her spirited and intelligent discourse. In short--but you were not born in Rotterdam, nor reared upon the Zuy der Zee, to need a madrigal on such a topic. The whole affair passed on the ocean, and, as a nautical man, you will not fail to comprehend it. Notwithstanding I had made every effort to appeal, what you know I really am, sufficiently amiable, during the voyage, and, notwithstanding Cadwallader had not given himself any particular trouble on the subject at all, it was not to be denied that there was a marked distinction in the reception of our respective civilities, and that always in his favour. I confess that, for a long time, I was disposed (in the entire absence of all better reasons) to ascribe this preference to an illiberal national prejudicc. Still it was only by comparison that I had the smallest ra tional grounds of complaint. But a peculiarly odious quality attaches itself to comparisons of this nature. There is a good deal of the Caesar in my composition, as respects the sex; unless I could be first with the Houries, I believe I should be willing to abandon Paradise itself, in order to seek pro-eminence in some humbler sphere. I fear this ambitious temperament has been our bane, and has condemned us to the heartless and unsocial life we lead! Our fair fellow passenger was under the care of an aged and invalid grandfather, who had been passing, a few years in ltaly, in pursuit of health. Now, it is not easy to imagine a more cuttingly polite communication, than that which this vigilant old guardian permitted between me and his youthful charge. If I approached, her joyous, natural, and enticing (I will not, because a little piqued, dally the truth, Baron,) merriment was instantly changed into the cold and regulated smiles of artificial breeding. Nature seemed banished at my footstep: and yet it was the artlessness and irresistible attractions of those fascinations, which so peculiarly denote the influence of the mighty dame, that were constantly tempting me to obtrude my withering presence on her enjoyments. With Cadwallader, every thing was reversed. In his society, she laughed without ceasing; chatted, disputed, was natural and happy. To all this intercourse, the Iynx- eyed grandfather paid not the smallest attention. He merely seemed pleased that his child had found an agreeable, and an instructive companion; while, on the contrary, there existed so much of attractiveness in our respective systems, that it was impossible for me to approach the person of the daughter, without producing a corresponding proximity on the part of the parent.
Something nettled by a circumstance that, to one who is sensible he is not as interesting as formerly, really began to grow a little personal, I took occasion to joke Cadwallader on his superior happiness, and to felicitate myself on the probability, that I might yet enjoy the honour of officiating, in my character of a confirmed celibate, at his nuptials. He heard me without surprlse, and answered me witllout emotion. "I thought the circumstance could not long escape one so quick-sighted," he said. "You think I am better received than yourself? The fact is indisputable and, as the motive exists in customs that distinguish us, in a greater or less degree, from every other people, I will endeavour to account for it. In no other country, is the same freedom of intercourse between the unmarried of the two sexes, permitted, as in America. In no other Christian country, is there more restraint imposed on the communications between the married: in this particular, we reverse the usages of all other civilized nations. The why, and the wherefore, shall be pointed out to you, in proper time; but the present case requires its own explanation. Surprising, and possibly suspicious, as may seem to you the easy intercourse I hold with my young countrywoman, there is nothing in it beyond what you will see every day in our society. The father permits it, because I am his countryman, and he is watchful of you, because you are not! Men of my time of life, are not considered particularly dangerous to the affections of young ladies of seventeen, for unequal matches are of exceedingly rare occurrence among us. And, if I were what I have been," he added, smiling, " I do not know that the case would be materially altered. In every thing but year, the grandfather of the fair Isabel, knows that I am the equal of his charge. It would be quite in the ordinary course of things, that a marriage should grow out of this communication. Ninety-nine, in one hundred of our family connections, are formed very much in this manner. Taste and inclination, rather guided, than controlled, by the prudence of older heads, form most of our matches; and just as much freedom as comports with that prudence, and a vast deal more than you probably deem safe, is allowed between the young of the two sexes. We, who ought to, and who do know best, think otherwise. Women are, literally, our better halves. Their frailty is to be ascribed to the seductions of man. In a community like ours, where almost every man has some healthful and absorbing occupation, there is neithcr leisure, nor inclination, to devote much time to unworthy pursuits. I need not tell you that vice must be familiar, before it ceases to be odious. In Europe, a successful intrigue often gives eclat, even to an otherwise contemptible individual; in America, he must be a peculiarly fortunate man, who can withstand its odium. But the abuse of youth and innocence witll us, is comparatively rare indeed. In consequence, suspicion slumbers: voila tout."
"But why this difference, then, between you and me ?" I demanded. "Why does this Cerberus sleep only while you are nigh? I confess I looked for higher courtesy in a man who has travelled."
"It is precisely because be has travelled,' my friend interrupted, a little dryly. "But you can Console yourself with the expectation, that those of his countrymen, who have never quitted home, will be less vigilant, because less practised in foreign manners."
This introduction brings me to my incident. It was no sooner known that we were about to quit the ship, than a dozen longing faces gathered about us. Our example was followed by others, and one or two more boats from the land were engaged to transport the passengers into the bay, in order that they might witness the reception of La Fayette. I had observed a cloud of disappointment on the fair brow of the little Isabel, from the moment our intentions were known. The circumstance was mentioned to Cadwallader, who was not slow to detect its errand. After a little thought, he approached the grandfather, and made an offer of as many seats, in our own boat, as might be necessary for the accommodation of his party. It seems the health of the old man would not permit the risk. The offer was, therefore, politely declined. The cloud thickened on the brow of Isabel; but it vanished entirely when her aged grandfather proposed that she should accompany us, attended by a maid, and under the especial protection of my companion. In all this arrangement, singular as it appeared to my eastern vision, there was the utmost simplicity and confidence. It was evident, by the tremulous and hesitating assent of the young lady, that even the customs of the country were slightly invaded; but, then, the occasion was deemed sufficiently extraordinary to justify the innovation. "So much for the privileges of two score and five," whispered Cadwallader, after he had handed his charge into the boat. For myself, I admit I rejoiced in an omen that was so flattering to those personal pretensions which, in my own case, are getting to be a little weakened by time. Before closing this relation, of what I consider a distinctive custom, it is proper to add, that had not the parties been of the very highest class of society, even far less hesitation would have been manifested; and that the little reluctance exhibited by Isabel, was rather a tribute paid to that retiring delicacy which is thought to be so proper to her sex, than to the most remote suspicion of any positive impropriety. Had she been a young married woman, there would, probably, have been the same little struggle with timidity, and the same triumph of the curiosity of the sex. But the interest which our fair companion took in the approaching ceremony, deserves a better name. It was plain, by her sparkling eyes and flushed features, that a more worthy sentiment was at the bottom of her impulse--it was almost patriotism.
CASTLE GARDEN, NEW YORK. 1824. Financial Inducements to Marriage.
I think the females of the secondary classes in this country dress more, and those of the upper, less, than the corresponding castes in Europe. The Americans are not an economical people, in one sense, though instances of dissolute prodigality are exceedingly rare among them. A young woman of the middling classes, for instance, seldom gives much of her thoughts towards the accumulation of a Iittle dowry; for the question of what a wife will bring to the common stock is agitated much less frequently here than in countries more sophisticated. My companion asssures me it is almost unprecedented for a lover to venture on any inquiries concerning the fortune of his fair one, even in any class. Those equivocal admirers, who find Cupid none the Iess attractive for having his dart gilded, are obliged to make their demonstrations with singular art and caution, for an American lady would be very apt to distrust the affection that saw her charms through the medium of an estate. Indeed he mentioned one or two instances in which the gentleman had endeavoured to stipulate in advance for the dowries of their brides, and which had not only created a great deal of scandal in the coteries, but which had invariably been the means of defeating the matches, the father, or the daughter, finding, in each case, something particularly offensive in the proposition. A lady of reputed fortune is a little more certain of matrimony than her less lucky rival, though popular opinion must be the gage of her possessions until the lover can claim a husbandŐs rights ; unless indeed the amorous swain should possess, as sometimes happens, secret and more authentic sources of information. From all that I can learn, nothing is more common, however, than for young men of great expectations to connect themselves with females, commonly of their own condition in life, who are pennyless; or, on the other hand, for ladies to give their persons with one or two hundred thousand dollars, to men, who have nothing better to recommend them than education and morals...
Perhaps a great majority of the females marry before the age of twenty, and it is not an uncommon thing to see them mothers at sixteen, seventeen, or eighteen. Almost every American mother nurses her own infant. It is far more common to find them mothers of eight, or of ten children, at fifty, than mothers of two or three. Now the human form is not completely developed in the northern moiety of this Union, earlier than in France, or in England. These early marriages, which are the fruits of abundance, have an obvious tendency to impair the powers of the female, and to produce a premature decay. In addition to this cause, which is far more general than you may be disposed to believe, there is something in the customs of the country which may have a tendency, not only to assist the ravages of time, but to prevent the desire to conceal them. There is no doubt that the animal, as well as the moral man, is far less artificial here than in Europe. There is thought to be some. thing deceptive in the use of the ordinary means of aiding nature, which offends the simple manners of the nation. Even so common an ornament as rouge is denied, and no woman dares confess that she uses it. There is something so particularly soft and delicate in the colour of the young females one sees in the streets here, that at first I was inclined to give them credit for the art with which they applied the tints; but Cadwallader gravely assured me I was wrong; He had no doubt that certain individuals did, in secret, adopt the use of rouge; but within the whole circuit of his acquaintailce he could not name one whom he suspected of the practice. Indeed, several gentlemen have gone so far as to assure me that when a woman rouged, it is considered in this country, as prima facie testimony that her character is frail. It should also be remembered, that when an American girl marries, she no longer entertains the desire to interest any but her husband. There is perhaps something in the security of matrimony that is not very propitious to female blandishments, and one ought to express no surprise that the wife who is content with the affections of her husband, should grow a little indifferent to the admiration of thc rest of the world. One rarely sees married women foremost in the gay scenes. They attend, as observant and influencing members of society, but not as the principal actors. It is thought that the amusements of the world are more appropriate to the young, who are neither burthened nor sobered with matrimonial duties, and who possess an inherent right to look about them in the morning of life in quest of the partner who is to be their companion to its close. And yet I could name, among my acquaintances here, a dozen of the youngest-looking mothers of large and grown-up families that I remember ever to have seen
The freedom of intercourse which is admitted between the young of the two sexes in America, and which undeniably is admitted with impunity, is to me, who have so long been kept sighing in the distance, perfectly amazing. I have met with self-sufficient critics from our side of the Atlantic, who believe, or affect to believe,that this intercourse cannot always be so innocent as is pretended. When questioned as to the grounds of their doubts, they have uniformly been founded on the impression that what could not exist with impunity with us, cannot exist with impunity here. They might just as well pretend, in opposition to the known fact, that a republican form of government cannot exist in America because it could not well exist in Turkey as the Ottoman empire is now constituted. That the confidence of parents is sometimes abused in America, is probably just as true as it is that their watchfulness is sometimes deceived in Europe; but the intelligence, the high spirit, and the sensitiveness of the American (who must necessarily be a party to any transgressions of the sort) on the subject of female reputation, is in itself sufficient proof that the custom is attended with no general inconvenience. The readiness of the American gentleman to appeal to arms in defence of his wounded pride is too well known to be disputed. The duels of this country are not only more frequent, but they are infinitely more fatal than those of any other nation. We will hereafter consider the cause, and discuss their manner. But no reasonable man can suppose that a sagacious nation, which is so sensitive on the point of honour, would stupidly allow their sisters and daughters to be debauched, when their own personal experience must apprise them of the danger to which they are exposed. The evil would necessarily correct itself. The chief reason why the present customs can exist without abuse, is no doubt owing to the fact that there is no army, nor any class of idlers, to waste their time in dissolute amusements. Something is also due to the deep moral feeling which pervades the community, and which influences the exhibition of vice in a thousand different ways. But having said so much on the subject, you may expect me to name the extent to which this freedom of intercourse extends. Under the direction of my friend Cadwallader, I shall endeavour to acquit myself of the obligation.
You will readily understand that the usages of society must always be more or less tempered bythe circles in which they are exhibited. Among these families which can claim to belong to the elite, the liberty allowed to unmarried females, I am inclined lo think, is much the same as is practised among the upper classes in England, with this difference, that, as there is less danger of innovation on rank through fortunehunters and fashionable aspirants, so is there less jealousy of their approaches. A young American dances, chats, laughs, and is just as happy in the saloon, as she was a few years before in the nursery. It is expected that the young men would seek her out, sit next her, endeavour to amuse her, and, in short, to make themselves as agreeable as possible. By the memory of the repentant Benedict, Compte Jules, but this is a constant and sore temptation to one who has never before been placed in the jeopardy of such a contagious atmosphere ! But it is necessary to understand the tone of conversation that is allowed, in order to estimate the dangers of this propinquity.
The language of gallantry is never tolerated. A married woman would conceive it an insult, and a girl would be exceedingly apt to laugh in her adorer's face. In order that it should be favourably received, It is necessary that the former should bc prepared to forget her virtue, and to the latter, whether sincere or not, it is an absolute requisite that all adulation should at least wear the semblance of sincerity. But he who addresses an unmarried female in this language, whether it be of passion or only feigned, must expect to be exposed, and probably disgraced, unless he should be prepared to support his sincerity by an offer of his hand. I think I see you tremble at the magnitude of the penalty ! I do not mean to say that idle pleasantries, such as are mutually understood to be no more than pleasantries, are not sometimes tolerated; but an American female is exceedingly apt to assume a chilling gravity at the slightest trespass on what she believes, and between ourselves, rightly believes to be the dignity of her sex. Here, you will perceive, is a saving custom, and one, too, that it is exceedingly hazardous to infringe, which diminishes one half of the ordinary dangers of the free communication between the young of the two sexes. Without doubt, when the youth has once made his choice, he endeavours to secure an interest in the affections of the chosen fair, by all those nameless assiduities and secret sympathies, which, though they appear to have produced no visible fruits, cannot be unknown to one of your established susceptibility. These attractions lead to love; and love, in this country, nineteen times in twenty, leads to matrimony. But pure, heartfelt affection, rarely exhibits itself in the language of gallantry. The latter is no more than a mask, which pretenders assume and lay aside at pleasure; but when the heart is really touched, the tongue is at best but a miserable interpreter of its emotion; I have always ascribed our own forlorn condition to the inability of that mediating member to do justice to the strength of emotions that are seemingly as deep, as they are frequent.
There is another peculiarity in American manners that should be mentioned. You probably know that in England far more reserve is used, in conversation with a female, than in most, if not all of the nations of the continent. As, in all peculiar customs, each nation prefers its own usage; and while the English lady is shocked with the freedom with which the French lady converses of her personal feelings, ailings, &c., the latter turns the nicety of the former into ridicule. It would be an invidious office to pretend to decide between the tastes of such delicate disputants; but one manner of considering the subject is manifestly wrong. The great reserve of the English ladies has been termed a mauvaise honte, which is ascribed to their insular situation, and to their circumscribed intercourse with the rest of the world.
MOUNT HOLYOKE, MASSACHUSETTS. October 4, 1827 Marriage Ceremony.
We meant to have set out an hour earlier, but just as the carriage came to the door a lady who was in the room happened to mention that there was to be wedding in the house in half an hour, one of the daughters of the innkeeper. We have often wished to see a marriage in this country but none ever before came so opportunely in the way. Basil got hold of the Master of the House, and a little civility and speechifying about our being strangers travelling through the country and anxious to see everything relating to the manners and customs of it, promised us admittance to witness the ceremony. The company were seated according to the American fashion as if they were pinned to the wall, and the gentlemen divided from the ladies, whether by design or accident I do not know. The Bride and Bridegroom were placed at the bottom of the room, so upon chairs, the Bridesmaid next the Bride and the Best Man next the Bridegroom. The Clergyman was a merry looking little mannie in a pair of top boots. When the ceremony was to be performed he placed himself about the centre of the room with a chair before him, on the back of which he leant. It was by the Presbyterian form they were married, which I never witnessed before. All the company rose up whilst he repeated a prayer in commendation of the Institution of Marriage. He then made the couple join hands whilst he asked them nearly in the words of the Episcopalian form whether they would "love, cherish, etc," and then followed another prayer, after which we all resumed our seats and a most funereal silence prevailed, not a soul going near the Bride to wish her joy. In a few minutes the solemnity of the scene was in some measure relieved by the entrance of a boy bearing a tray covered with plates and two beautiful wedding cakes, of which each guest helped him or herself to a large piece, even the newly married pair seemed to have retained their appetite for plum cake, and the gentleman had still his senses sufficiently about him to take proper care of his wedding suit and followed the examples of the other males of the party in spreading his pocket handkerchief over his knees to protect his trousers from the grease of the cake. We next had wine handed round, and I thought that now surely we should hear a few congratulations, but, except the Best Man and Basil, not a soul drank their health. The ladies for the most part wore white, thick, muslin gowns without any sort of pretence at finery, some of them were in black, and the father of the Bride himself wore a black coat. This was a great relief to me as I am travelling in black, and I was afraid that my dingy dress might give offence, but they have no such superstition in this country. As soon as we could decently get away we left the quiet party and set off on this expedition. We return to Northampton in a little while and shall not proceed towards Boston till to-morrow morning.
CINCINNATI, OHIO. Winter 1828-9. Extreme Youth in Marriage.
The horror of domestic service, which the reality of slavery, and the fable of equality, have generated, excludes the young women from that sure and most comfortable resource of decent English girls; and the consequence is, that with a most irreverend freedom of manner to the parents, the daughters are, to the full extent of the word domestic slaves. This condition, which no periodical merry-making, no village fete, ever occurs to cheer, is only changed for the still sadder burdens of a teeming wife. They marry very young ; in fact, in no rank of life do you meet with young women in that delightful period of existence between childhood and marriage, wherein, if only tolerably well spent, so much useful information is gained, and the character takes a sufficient degree of firmness to support with dignity the more important parts of wife and mother. The slender, childish thing, without vigour of mind or body, is made to stem a sea of troubles that dims her young eye and makes her cheek grow pale, even before nature has given it the last beautiful finish of the full-grown woman.
"We shall get along," is the answer in full for all that can be said in way of advice to a boy and girl who take it into their heads to go before a magistrate and " get married." And they do get along, till sickness overtakes them, by means perhaps of borrowing a kettle from one and a tea-pot from another; but intemperance, idleness, or sickness will, in one week, plunge those who are even getting along well into utter destitution; and where this happens, they are completely without resource.
PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA. August 1830. Day in the Life of a Philadelphia Matron; Habit of Young Married Couples to Reside in Boarding Houses.
Let me be permitted to describe the day of a Philadelphian lady of the first class, and the inference I would draw from it will be better understood.
It may be said that the most important feature in a woman's history is her maternity. It is so; but the object of the present observation is the social, and not the domestic influence of woman.
This lady shall be the wife of a senator and a lawyer in the highest repute and practice. She has a very handsome house, with white marble steps and door-posts, and a delicate silver knocker and door-handle; she has very handsome drawing-rooms, (very handsomely furnished, there is a side-board in one of them, but it is very handsome, and has very handsome decanters and cut glass water-jugs upon it;) she has a very handsome carriage, and a very handsome free black coachman; she is always very handsomely dressed; and, moreover, she is very handsome herself.
She rises, and her first hour is spent in the scrupulously nice arrangement of her dress; she descends to her parlour neat, stiff, and silent; her breakfast is brought in by her free black footman; she eats her fried ham and her salt fish, and drinks her coffee in silence, while her husband reads one newspaper, and puts another under his elbow; and then, perhaps, she washes the cups and saucers. Her carriage is ordered at eleven; till that hour she is employed in the pastry-room, her snow-white apron protecting her mouse-coloured silk. Twenty minutes before her carriage should appear, she retires to her chamber, as she calls it, shakes, and folds up her still snow-white apron, smoothes her rich dress, and with nice care, sets on her elegant bonnet, and all the handsome et cśtera; then walks down stairs, just at the moment that her free black coachman announces to her free black footman that the carriage waits. She steps into it, and gives the word, "Drive to the Dorcas society." Her footman stays at home to clean the knives, but her coachman can trust his horses while he opens the carriage door, and his lady not being accustomed to a hand or an arm, gets out very safely without, though one of her own is occupied by a work-basket, and the other by a large roll of all those indescribable matters which ladies take as offerings to Dorcas societies. She enters the parlour appropriated for the meeting, and finds seven other ladies, very like herself, and takes her place among them; she presents her contribution, which is accepted with a gentle circular smile, and her parings of broad cloth, her ends of ribbon, her gilt paper, and her minikin pins, are added to the parings of broad cloth, the ends of ribbon, the gilt paper, and the minikin pins with which the table is already covered; she also produces from her basket three readymade pincushions, four ink-wipers, seven paper matches, and a paste-board watch-case; these are welcomed with acclamations, and the youngest lady present deposits them carefully on shelves, amid a prodigious quantity of similar articles. She then produces her thimble, and asks for work; it is presented to her, and the eight ladies all stitch together for some hours. Their talk is of priests and of missions; of the profits of their last sale, of their hopes from the next; of the doubt whether young Mr. This, or young Mr. That should receive the fruits of it to fit him out for Liberia; of the very ugly bonnet seen at church on Sabbath morning, of the very handsome preacher who performed on Sabbath afternoon, and of the very large collection made on Sabbath evening. This lasts till three, when the carriage again appears, and the lady and her basket return home; she mounts to her chamber, carefully sets aside her bonnet and its appurtenances, puts on her scalloped black silk apron, walks into the kitchen to see that all is right, then into the parlour, where, having cast a careful glance over the table prepared for dinner, she sits down, work in hand, to await her spouse. He comes, shakes hands with her, spits, and dines. The conversation is not much, and ten minutes suffices for the dinner; fruit and toddy, the newspaper and the work-bag succeed. In the evening the gentleman, being a savant, goes to the Wister society, and afterwards plays a snug rubber at a neighbour's. The lady receives at tea a young missionary and three members of the Dorcas society.—And so ends her day.
For some reason or other, which English people are not very likely to understand, a great number of young married persons board by the year, instead of "going to house.keeping," as they call having an establishment of their own. Of course this statement does not include persons of large fortune, but it does include very many whose rank in society would make such a mode of life quite impossible with us. I can hardly imagine a contrivance more effectual for ensuring the insignificance of a woman, than marrying her at seventeen, and placing her in a boarding-house. Nor can I easily imagine a life of more uniform dulness for the lady herself; but this certainly is a matter of taste. I have heard many ladies declare, that it is "just quite the perfection of comfort to have nothing to fix for oneself." Yet despite these assurances, I always experienced a feeling which hovered between pity and contempt, when I contemplated their mode of existence.
How would a newly-married Englishwoman endure it, her head and her heart full of the one dear scheme:
"Well-ordered home, his dear delight to make ?"
She must rise exactly in time to reach the boarding-table at the hour appointed for breakfast, or she will get a stiff bow from the lady president, cold coffee, and no egg. I have been sometimes greatly amused upon these occasions by watching a little scene in which the bye-play had muctl more meaning than the words uttered. The fasting, but tardy lady, looks round the table, and having ascertained that there was no egg left, says distinctly, "I will take an egg if you please." But as this is addressed to no one in particular, no one in particular answers it, unless it happen that her husband is at table before her, and then he says, "There are no eggs, my dear." Whereupon the lady president evidently cannot hear, and the greedy culprit who has swallowed two eggs (for there are always as many eggs as noses) looks pretty considerably afraid of being found out. The breakfast proceeds in sombre silence, save that sometimes a parrot, and sometimes a canary bird, ventures to utter a timid note. When it is finished, the gentlemen hurry to their occupations, and the quiet ladies mount the stairs, some to the first, some to the second, and some to the third stories, in an inverse proportion to the number of dollars paid, and ensconce themselves in their respective chambers. As to what they do there it is not very easy to say; but I believe they clear-starch a little, and iron a little, and sit in a rocking-chair, and sew a great deal. I always observed that the ladies who boarded, wore more elaborately-worked collars and petticoats than any one else. The plough is hardly a more blessed instrument in America than the needle. How could they live without it? But time and the needle wear through the longest morning, and happily the American morning is not very long; even though they breakfast at eight.
It is generally about two o'clock that the boarding gentlemen meet the boarding ladies at dinner. Little is spoken, except a whisper between the married pairs. Sometimes a sulky bottle of wine flanks the plate of one or two individuals, but it adds nothing to the mirth of the meeting, and seldom more than one glass to the good cheer of the owners. It is not then, and it is not there, that the gentlemen of the Union drink. Soon, very soon, the silent meal is done, and then, if you mount the stairs after them, you will find from the doors of the more affectionate and indulgent wives, a smell of cigars steam forth, which plainly indicates the felicity of the couple within. If the gentleman be a very polite husband, he will, as soon as he has done smoking and drinking his toddy, offer his arm to his wife, as far as the corner of the street, where his store, or his office is situated, and there he will leave her to turn which way she likes. As this is the hour for being full dressed, of course she turns the way she can be most seen. Perhaps she pays a few visits; perhaps she goes to chapel; or, perhaps, she enters some store where her husband deals, and ventures to order a few notions; and then she goes home again; no, not home; I will not give that name to a boarding-house, but she re-enters the cold heartless atmosphere in which she dwells, where hospitality can never enter, and where interest takes the management instead of affection. At tea they all meet again, and a little trickery is perceptible to a nice observer in the manner of partaking the pound-cake, &c. After this, those who are happy enough to have engagements, hasten to keep them; those who have not, either mount again to the solitude of their chamber, or, what appeared to me much worse, remain in the common sitting-room, in a society cemented by no tie, endeared by no connexion, which choice did not bring together, and which the slightest motive would break asunder. I remarked that the gentlemen were generally obliged to go out every evening on business, and, I confess, the arrangement did not surprise me.
It is not thus that the women can obtain that influence in society which is allowed to them in Europe, and to which, both sages and men of the world, have agreed in ascribing such salutary effects. It is in vain that "collegiate institutes" are formed for young ladies, or that "academic degress" are conferred upon them. It is after marriage, and when these young attempts upon all the sciences are forgotten, that the lamentable insignificance of the American woman appears.
WASHINGTON. Spring 1831. American Women and Finances.
Perhaps if the ladies had quite their own way, a little more relaxation would be permitted; but there is one remarkable peculiarity in their manners which precludes the possibility of any dangerous out-breaking of the kind: few ladies have any command of ready money entrusted to them. I have been a hundred times present when bills for a few dollars, perhaps for one, have been brought for payment to ladies living in perfectly easy circumstances, who have declared themselves without money, and referred the claimant to their husbands for payment. On every occasion where immediate disbursement is required it is the same; even in shopping for ready cash they say, " send a bill home with the things, and my husband will give you a draft."
NEW YORK. June 10 1831. Tocqueville's conversation with Albert Gallatin, concerning the morals of American men and women with regard to chastity and adultery.
I. Is it true, as I am told, that morals are pure?
He. Conjugal fidelity is admirably kept. It's not always thus with virtue before marriage. It very often happens in the country (not in our cities) that the extreme liberty enjoyed by the young people of both sexes has its drawbacks. The savage peoples who surround us carry disregard for chastity before marriage even further. They do not regard it as a moral obligation.
NEW YORK. Country Estate of Mr. Prime. June 15, 1831. Tocqueville's diary account of a wedding reception
They have here a good custom, a few days after a young woman is married she has it announced that she wants to see all her friends and that she will be at home or at her parents' at such and such a day. That being known, every one who has any relations with the family comes, and all the wedding visits are made at once. It's to an assemblage of that kind that we have been. The reunion place is at two leagues from New-York, in a charming country house situated on the edge of the water. The evening was magnificent, the ocean breeze freshened the air, the lawn on which the house was placed sloped right down to the shore, great trees surrounded it on all sides. They have flies in this country which give as much light as glow worms. The trees are filled with these little animals, one would have said a million sparks leaping in the air. It was really a very extraordinary scene.
NEW YORK. June 9, 1831. Letter from Tocqueville to his sister, describing the courtship and marriage habits of the Americans.
We are living, dear sister, in the most singular country in the world. You have certainly heard it said that in England the married women lead a sedentary life, and that the young ladies enjoyed, on the contrary, a great liberty. Very well! Know that here they are as far [advanced] over England as England is over us. When a woman marries, it's as if she entered a convent, except however that it is not taken ill that she have children, and even many of them. Otherwise, it's the life of a nun; no more balls; hardly any more society; a husband as estimable as cold for all company; and that to the life eternal. I ventured the other day to ask one of these charming recluses just how, exactly, a wife could pass her time in America. She answered me, with great sang-froid: in admiring her husband. I'm very sorry: but that's the literal translation of the English. I tell you this so that, should you happen to be bored at home, you may know what you have to do.
So much for married women: you will comprehend the young ladies even less. Imagine the daughters of the first families, slim and elegant, from one o'clock in the afternoon on, tripping all the streets of New-York, doing their shopping, riding horseback, without father or mother, uncle or aunt, without even a servant. You are not at the end. A young man-and this has already happened to us several times-encounters on his path one of these travellers. If one is already acquainted, one stops, one chats in quite friendly fashion a quarter of an hour at the corner curb-stone, and at the end of the conversation the young lady invites you to come to see her and indicates the hour at which you will find her at home. At the said hour, in effect, [one goes calling on] Mademoiselle So-and-so, and one finds her often alone in her father's parlour, of which she does you the honours. Everybody tells us that this order of things has none of the inconveniences that one might foresee. Perhaps. If, as they also assure us, the tete-a-tete is ordinarily spent in discussing the value of wool and the price of cotton. We often see in society what are called accordes. They are a young man and a young woman who are to be married in several months and who are constantly together meanwhile, paying court to each other most respectfully. The fact is, there is not the least question here of playing the butterfly. Peste! One would speedily get burnt at the candle. These people here are very straightforward. They take words in the most literal meaning; and if one did not turn one's tongue seven times before speaking, as counsels the sage, one might find oneself much embarrassed.
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS. September 21, 1831. Tocqueville's diary entry on the reasons for moral purity.
American morals are, I believe, the purest existing in any nation, which may be attributed, it seems to me, to five principal causes:
1. Their physical constitution. They belong to a northern race, even though almost all living in a climate warmer than that of England.
2. Religion still possesses there a great power over the souls. They have even in part retained the traditions of the most severe religious sects.
3. They are entirely absorbed in the business of making money. There are no idle among them. They have the steady habits of those who are always working.
4. There is no trace of the prejudices of birth which reign in Europe, and it is so easy to make money that poverty is never an obstacle to marriage. Thence it results that the individuals of two sexes unite ..., only do so from mutual attraction, and find themselves tied at a time in life when the man is almost always more alive to the pleasures of the heart than those of the senses. It is rare that a man is not married at 2-+ years.
5. In general the women receive an education that is rational (even a bit raisonneuse.) The factors above enumerated make it possible without great inconvenience to allow them an extreme liberty; the passage from the state of young girl to that of a married woman has no dangers for her.
Mr Clay, who appears to have occupied himself with statistical researches on this point, told Beaumont that at Boston the prostitutes numbered about 2000 (I have great difficulty believing this.) They are recruited among country girls who, after having been seduced, are obliged to flee their district and family, and find themselves without resource. It seems that the young blood of the city frequents them, but the fact is concealed with extreme care, and the evil stops there, without ever crossing the domestic threshold or troubling the families. A man who should not be convicted but suspected of having an intrigue would immediately be excluded from society. All doors would be shut to him.
Mr. Dewight was saying to me that a venereal disease was a mark of infamy which was very hard to wash away. On the other hand, the police do not concern themselves in any way with the prostitutes. The Americans say that it would be to legitimate the evil to oppose to it such a remedy. Mr. Dewight said to us (what we had already had occasion to remark in the prison reports) that of all the prisoners those who most rarely reformed were the women of bad morals.
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS. September 22, 1831. Tocqueville's interview with Franz Lieber on the purity of morals.
We asked him: Is it true that morals are as pure here as they pretend?
He replied: Morals are less good in the lower classes than among the enlightened ; however, I think them superior to those of the same classes in Europe. As for the educated, their morals are as perfect as it is possible to imagine them. I don't believe that there is a single intrigue in Boston society. A woman suspected would be lost. The women there are, however, very coquettish; they even display their coquetry with greater boldness than with us because they know that they cannot go beyond a certain point, and that no one believes that they overstep that bound. After all, I like still better our women of Europe with their weaknesses, than the glacial and egotistical virtue of the Americans.
Q. To what do you attribute the unbelievable master that one obtains here over the passions?
A. To a thousand causes: to their physical constitution, to Puritanism, to their habits of industry, to the absence of an unemployed and corrupted class, such as a garrison for example, to the early marriages, to the very construction of the houses, which renders the secret of an illicit liason amost impossible to keep.
Q. They say that the young men are not sages before marriage.
A. No. They are even, like the English, gross in their tastes, but like them they make a complete separation between the society in which they habitually live, and that which serves their pleasure. These are like two worlds which have nothing in common together. The young men never seek to seduce honest women.
ON STEAMBOAT FROM WHEELING TO OHIO. December 1 1831. Class Equality in Marriage.
When one wishes to estimate the equality between different classes, one must always come to the question of how marriages are made. That's the bottom of the matter. An equality resulting from necessity, courtesy or politics may exist on the surface and deceive the eye. But when one wishes to practise this equality in the intermarriage of familes, then one puts one's finger on the sore.
NEW YORK CITY. May 16, 1831. On Marriage in America: Beaumont's letter to his family
It is impossible not to admit that there is much morality in this people. (This at first glance seems hard to reconcile with what precedes) but I explain. Morals there are extremely pure. A woman who does not conduct herself well is cited as an extreme rarity. To tell the truth, you meet only happy households. People get together often in winter; but everything in the last analysis comes down to family life. Unmarried men pay attention only to girls; these once married think only of their husbands. So long as they are not engaged, they exercise an extreme freedom in their relations. One sees them out walking alone, for example. A young man accosts them, goes to the country with them, and this is considered quite natural. They receive at home without their parents finding fault. But this life of freedom ends for them the day they get married. In short, the happiness which seems to reign in their families has something tempting in it. Doubtless I should never want to marry in a foreign country, because such a union entails a host of unpleasant consequences. But Tocqueville and I, glimpsing the happiness so common here and so rare in other countries, were unable to keep from saying that, if we should ever be victimized by political circumstances in France, we would come to live here with our wives and children.
NEW YORK. Country estate of Mr. Prime. June 15, 1831. Beamont's letter describing a society wedding reception
Our evening yesterday was even finer. Mr. Prime has just married off one of his daughters. For this occasion he gave a charming party at his country place. He is a neighbour of Mr. Schermerhorn, but his house is without comparison more beautiful and agreeable than the latter is. There was a howling mob; all the fashionable women of New York were gathered there. That's the first time we've seen many women together. It seemed to me that several of them were very pretty. I am not certain because one alone occupied me during the evening. Miss Fulton [Julia Fulton] rightly passes for the most beautiful woman of New-York; it is to her that I continuously paid the tribute of my admiration. We took some charming walks by the light of the moon. Alas! It is a hundred to one that I shall ever see her again. She is the daughter of the famous Fulton, inventor of the steamboat. It seems to me that this great man did not apply his process to the creation of children, for she hasn't at all the air of being filled with vapour. From BeaumontŐs novel Marie. PROLOGUE. Conversation between Ludovic at the end of life and a French traveler in Michigan, on the difference between marriage in Europe and in America.
In Europe, said the traveler, abandoning himself to his poetic feelings, all is dirt and corruption! Women there stoop to sell themselves, and the men are stupid enough to buy them. When a young girl marries, she does not seek a tender soul with which hers may unite, she does not ask for a support to her weakness: she marries diamonds, a title, freedom. Not that she is heartless; she may have loved once, but her beloved was not sufficiently rich. They haggled over her; the man could not throw in a carriage with his price; the bargain fell through. Then, they tell the young girl that love is all foolishness; she believes it, and corrects her mistaken notions; she marries a rich idiot. If she has any soul at all, she pines away and dies. Usually she lives happily enough. Such is not the life of a woman in America. Here marriage is not a business, nor is love a commodity. Two beings are not condemned to love or to hate each other because they are united; they join because they love each other. Oh, how attractive these young girls are, with their blue eyes, their ebon eyebrows, their pure, candid souls! How sweet the perfume wafted from their hair, unspoiled by art! What harmony in their gentle voices, which never echo the passion of greed! Here, at least, when you court a young girl, and she responds, it is a meeting through tender sympathy, and not through cold calculation. Would it not be losing an opportunity for tranquil but delicious felicity not to seek the love of an American girl?
Ludovic listened calmly. When the traveler had ceased speaking, he said, I pity you for your errors; I will not undertake to correct them, for I know how worthless to one man is another's experience. I am, however, distressed to see you pursuing these chimeras. I might, by a single example, prove to you how misled you are. You have just been praising the merits of American women. The picture you have drawn is not entirely false; but your imagination has given it smiling colors which are not there.
I believe I can easily paint for you, without bias, a faithful portrait of the women in this country; for I have received neither kindness nor abuse from them. CHAPTER 2: "AMERICAN WOMEN." General appearance; manners; courtship and marriage.
American women generally have well-informed minds but little imagination, and more reason
than
sensibility.
The education of women in the United States differs completely from that of women in our
country.
In France a young girl lives, until she marries, in the shadow of her parents. She is
placid and
trusting, because always at hand there is tender solicitude which watches sleeplessly over her;
spared from
thinking because others think for her. Doing as her mother does, with her joyful or sad, she is
never ahead
of life; she follows its current. So the tender vine, attached to the branch which upholds it,
receives from it
violent jolts or tender swayings.
In America, she is free before adolescence; having no guide but herself, she walks
aimlessly on
untried paths. Her first steps are not so dangerous; the child sets out on its journey into life as a
fragile
craft glides unendangered upon a calm sea.
But when the stormy billows of passion roll up, in early youth, what becomes of the
frail skiff,
with its swelling sails and its inexperienced pilot?
American education wards off the danger: at an early age the girl is informed of the
traps
besetting her path. Her instincts will defend her but poorly; she is taught to place her trust in
reason; thus
enlightened on the snares which surround her, she depends solely upon herself to avoid them.
She is never
lacking in prudence.
These guiding torches given to the adolescent girl are a necessary consequence of the
liberty she
enjoys; but they deprive her of two qualities which are so charming in youth: candor and
naivete.
The American girl needs knowledge to be chaste; she knows too much to be called
innocent.
This precocious liberty gives her thoughts a serious turn and stamps her character
with a certain
masculinity. I remember hearing a girl of twelve discussing and answering the grave question,
Which of
all the kinds of government is best? She placed the republic above all others.
This coolness of the senses, the supremacy of the mind, this masculine behavior
among women,
may find favor with one's intellect; but they hardly satisfy the heart....
In the United States, when two people realize that they suit each other, they promise to
become united to
each other, and are what is called engaged; it is a sort of unsolemnized betrothal, and has
no other
binding force than their own sworn word.
This affianced young person, who cared so little about making herself pretty, was more of a
coquette than any of the other young ladies, because she was disinterested. That put an end to
my
admiration. At any rate, excessive flirtatiousness is a characteristic common to all American
girls, and is a
consequence of their education.
To every girl over sixteen, marriage is the great interest in life. In France, she desires it; in
America she hunts it. Since she is so early the mistress of herself and her own conduct, she
makes her own
choice.
One can appreciate how delicate and perilous is the young girl's task, trustee of her own
destiny;
she must have in herself the foresight which in France a father and mother have for their
daughter.
Generally, one must admit that she fulfills her mission with admirable sagacity. Within this
pragmatic
society, where everyone is engaged in business, American girls have theirs too: that of finding a
husband.
In the United States, men are cold, and tied to their business affairs; one must either run after
them or
attract them with powerful allurements. It is no wonder if the girl who lives among them is
prodigal with
studied smiles and tender glances. Her coquetry is, however, enlightened and prudent; she has
taken the
measure of her arena, she knows the bounds over which she may not step. If her strategems
merit censure,
at least their aim is irreproachable, for she wants only marriage.
There is no lack of opportunities for young people to reveal their mutual inclination and
tender
feelings. It is customary for them to go out together unaccompanied, and in doing this the young
men give
no offense to decorum. The only formality they must observe is that of walking separately, for a
man may
offer his arm to a young lady only if he is engaged to her. One may observe the same freedom in
the
drawing room. Rarely does a mother take part in the conversations of her daughter; the latter
receives
whom she pleases, entertains him unsupervised, and sometimes invites to her home young men
whom she
has met elsewhere and who are unacquainted with her parents. There is no impropriety in her
acting thus,
for these are the customs of the country.
American flirtatiousness has a quite special nature; in France a coquette is less desirous of
marrying than of pleasing; in America she is eager to please only in order to marry. In France,
flirtation is
a passion; in America, it is a calculation. If a young lady who is engaged continues her
flirtations, it is
more through prudence than inclination; for it has happened that a fiance breaks his word;
sometimes a girl
foresees this dread possibility and tries to capture other hearts, not for the sake of possessing
several at a
time, but in order to have a replacement on hand for the one she risks losing.
In this case, as in all others, she provokes, encourages, or holds off the sighing swains with
complete freedom.
In America this freedom is given to a woman only to be snatched away suddenly. In our
country,
the young girl exchanges the swaddling bands of infancy for the bonds of matrimony; but these
new bonds
rest lightly upon her. In taking a husband, she gains the right to join the outside world; by
engaging herself
she becomes free. Then begins the life of parties, pleasures, conquests. In America, on the
contrary, the
gay life is the young girl's; she retires from worldly pleasures to live among the austere duties of
the
domestic hearth. A man pays homage to her not because she is a woman, but because she can
become a
wife. Her coquetry, after catching her a husband, is of no more use, and after she has given
herself in
marriage, she uses it no more.
In the United States a woman ceases to be free on the day when, in France, she becomes so.
The privileges enjoyed by a young girl, and the early reduction to nonentity of the married
woman, greatly increase the number of engaged people. In general, the purely ethical
contract,
which arises from this sort of betrothal, is ratified soon after by marriage, but not infrequently
young girls
endeavor to postpone the event. Acting thus, they achieve a double goal: engaged, they are sure
of
marrying, but are not yet wives; the certainty of future wifehood is secured while the liberty of
girlhood is
retained.
Nothing, in American women, appeals to one's imagination; there is , however, one side of
their
character which makes a deep impression on any serious-minded man.
The morality of a population may be judged by that of its women, and one cannot observe
the
society of the United States without marveling at the respect in which the married state is held.
This
respect never existed to so high a degree among any of the ancient peoples, and European
society, corrupt
as it is, cannot conceive of such moral purity.
In America they are no severer than elsewhere toward the irregular life and toward even the
debauches of a bachelor; many young men can be found here whose dissoluteness is well known,
and
whose reputations do not suffer thereby; but their excesses, to be pardoned, must be committed
outside the
circle of family and friends. While indulgent concerning the pleasures obtainable from
prostitutes, society
condemns without pity those who obtain them at the expense of conjugal fidelity; it is as
inflexible toward
the man who incites the transgression as toward the woman who acquiesces. Both are banished
from
society; and to incur this punishment it is not even necessary to have been guilty; to have aroused
the
suspicion suffices. The domestic hearth is an inviolable shrine which no breath of impurity must
besmirch.
The morality of American women, fruit of a serious and religious upbringing, is
protected further
for other reasons.
Completely engrossed in practical matters, the American man has neither the time nor
the
temperament for tender sentiments or gallantry; he is gallant once in his life, when he wishes to
marry. He
is undertaking a business affair, not a love affair.
He has no leisure to love, still less to make himself loved. The taste for fine arts,
which is so
closely allied to the pleasures of the heart, is forbidden him. If, emerging from his industrial
sphere, a
young man displays a passion for Mozart or Michelangelo, he loses public esteem. Fortunes are
not made
by listening to sounds or looking at colors. And how chain to the accountant's stool one who has
once
known the charms of a poetic life?
Thus doomed by the traditions of the country to confine themselves to practicality, young
Americans are neither preoccupied with pleasing women nor skillful at winning them.
Moreover, there is a corrupt element, influential in European society, which is not to
be met with
in the United States: this is the idle rich and the soldiers in garrison. The wealthy without
professions and
the soldiers without glory have nothing to do; their sole pastime is the corruption of
women--impetuous,
open-handed youth, in need of space and action; comparable to the flood waters of the
Mississippi:
beneficial when flowing freely, deadly when stagnant.
In America, everyone works, because no one is born rich, (It does happen, by
accident, that a few
young people are conditioned by an inherited fortune and a polite education to gallantries and
social
intrigues, but they are too few in number to be a nuisance, and if they give the least indication of
troubling
the peace of a family, they find the American world leagued solidly against them to oppose and
crush the
common enemy. This explains why American bachelors of wealth and leisure do not stay in the
United
States but come to live in Europe, where they find men of intellect and corrupt women.) and the
dreary
idleness of the garrison is unknown here, because the country has no standing army.
Thus, the women escape the perils of seduction; if they are pure, one cannot tell if it
is due to their
virtue, for this has not been put to the test.
The extreme ease of becoming rich also comes to the aid of upholding morality;
money is never
an essential consideration in marriages; commerce, industry, the practice of a profession, assure
young
people of a living and a future. They marry the first woman they fall in love with; and nothing is
rarer in
the United States than a bachelor of twenty-five. Society thereby gains more married men in
place of
licentious bachelors. Finally , the condition of equality protects marriages, while difference in
rank
obstructs them in our country. In the United States there is only one class; no barrier of social
distinction
separates the young man and young girl who agree to become united. This equality, propitious
to
legitimate unions, is highly embarrassing to those which are not. The seducer of a young girl
necessarily
becomes her husband, whatever the difference in their economic position, because while
superiority of
fortune exists, there is no difference at all in rank. The rectitude of tradition, which applies less to
individuals than to socity as a whole, gives a serious cast to all American society.
This country is dominated by a public opinion, from
whose rule no woman can flee... [it] condemns all passion without pity, and authorizes
calculation alone;
indifferent to sentiment, it is exacting concerning moral obligation.
Love, the charms of which form the whole life of some European peoples, is not understood
in the
United States.
APPENDIX B: Note on American Women. On the Different Roles of Men and Women in
Marriage.
The most striking trait in the women of America is their superiority to the men of the
same country.
The American, from his tenderest youth, is devoted to business; hardly has he
learned to read and write when he becomes a merchant. The first sound in his ears is
the chink of money; the first voice he hears is that of self-interest; he breathes at birth
the air of industry; and all his early impressions persuade him that a business career is
the only one becoming to a man.
The lot of the young girl is not the same; her moral education goes on till the day
she marries. She acquires knowledge of history and literature; she generally learns one
foreign language (ordinarily French); she knows a little music. Her life is intellectual.
The young man and this young girl, who are so dissimilar, are united one day in
marriage. The first, continuing in his habitual course, spends his time at the bank, or in
his shop; the second, who becomes isolated on the day she takes a husband, compares
the actual life which has fallen to her lot with the existence of which she had dreamed.
As nothing in this new world before her speaks to her heart, she lives in daydreams
and reads novels. Having little happiness, she is very religious and reads sermons.
When she has children, she lives in close contact with them, cares for and loves them.
Thus pass her days. In the evening the man comes home full of care, restless, overcome
with fatigue; he brings to his wife the fruits of his labor, and already dreams of
tomorrow's specualtions. He asks for his dinner, and offers not a word more; his wife
knows nothing of the affairs that preoccupy him; in her husbands's presence she is still
isolated. The sight of his wife and children doesn to tear the American away from the
practical world, and he so rarely shows them a sign of tenderness and affection that a
nick-name has been made for those households where the husband, after an absence,
kisses his wife and children--they are called "kissing families." In the American's
eyes, the wife is not a companion; she is a partner who helps him spend for his well-
being and comfort the money he earns in business.
The sedentary and retired life of women in the United States explains, with the
rigors of the climate, the poorness of their complexions; they do not leave their houses
or take any exercise, and they live on a light diet; almost all of them have a great
number of children; it is not astonishing that they grow old so fast and die so young.
It is a life of contrasts; exciting, adventurous, almost feverish for the man, sad
and monotonous for the wife; it flows on uniformly until the day when the husband
announces to his wife that they are bankrupt; then they have to leave, and recommence
the same existence elsewhere.
Every American family, then, contains two worlds: the one entirely material, the
other wholly moral. Whatever the closeness of the bond that unites the couple, there is
still a barrier between them, separating the soul from the body, and mind from matter.
NEW YORK CITY. December 1831. American Marriage Ceremony.
With the above introduction I waited on Dr. Wainwright, who invited me to take tea. We
had some
conversation together on various subjects, particularly
Eastern literature, and the progress it has made and is
making in Europe. During our conversation, a
marriage party was announced, and I rose up to de part. " If, " said he, Ňyou have any curiosity to
see
the ceremony performed, you can stay." The party
was immediately introduced, and the ceremony took
place, without any hesitation in his study. It was
much like our own, only curtailed. The parties were
not of full age, but this is almost universally the case
of young people in the States at the time of marriage.
A relation of the bride, a mere boy, attended to affirm
that the parents knew of the match, and that there
was no impediment. After the retiring of the party, I
inquired, with some surprise, if it were frequent for
parties to be married in the clergyman's house, and at
night too? ŇYes," replied he, "and in their own
houses also, or in any other place, by day or by night,
whenever they desire it. Any industrious man can
support a family, and that is as much as most people
here exspect. There is also plenty of room to
spread in, without any danger of overpopulation. If a family is in difficulty at one
time, it can generally make up the deficiency at
another."
NEW YORK CITY. January 1832. Gentleman Callers on New Year's Day.
There is a singular custom, which prevails in New-
York, but, I am informed, in no other part of the Union:
on New-year's Day, all gentlemen call on their female
friends, to renew or perpetuate their friendship. A lawyer, with whom I had contracted an
intimacy,
introduced me on that day to about thirty ladies. The
rounds of calls we made, occupied our time from nine in
the morning till seven at night. In almost every house
we entered, we found other gentlemen on the same
errand. It would be regarded as unpardonably rude in
any lady, to treat with indifference a gentleman, who
had honoured her with his call. This is often the
commencement of new acquaintances, or the
reconciliation of former ones which were broken off, or
discontinued. All the ladies we called on, as is
universally the case, had prepared cakes, sweetmeats,
wines, cordials, &c. in great profusion, in readiness, to
exhilirate and regale their visitors. They were
themselves, in general, very elegantly decked out and
beautified. All appearance of mercenary business was
wholly laid aside, and calculating penury had its annual
slumber. Many gentlemen jaunted about in sleighs, a
kind of carriage which slides upon the snow, to pay
their devotions to the fair recluses; ladies on this day
not being permitted, from punctilios of etiquette, to
stray from home. The scene to me was as gratifying as it
was new. All was animation, cheerfulness, and friendly
feeling. The Americans seem, on this occasion, to
have light hearts and buoyant
spirits, and fulfil as much us any
nation, the command, " Take no
thought for the future."
NEW YORK CITY. May 1832. The Practice of Switching Households Once a Year in
May.
The first of May is noted among the people of New
York for bustle and change. It is almost impossible to rent a house or Iodgings longer than for
one year; and in any part of a year longer than till May day next ensuing. We had taken our
apartments till that time, at the
the expiration of which Mrs. F. took other lodgings,
during my tour through the States and Canada. She
described May-day as affording scenes exceedingly
laughable; in every direction were carts and waggons
laden with furniture; the streets were literally filled
with chairs, tables, drawers, desks, carpets, &c., passing from one house
to another, to the great advantage
of the carters, who find full employment, and are on
that day paid double charges. It is also not a little
gratifying to New-York gossips, who are allowed a
peep into the lodgings of such strangers generally as
have not permanent dwellings. As May-day approaches, the
landlord proposes to the tenant his
terms. The tenant finds, for the most part, an advance of rent, and
prefers a change. The landlord
annexes to the door-post a written notice, and the
tenant commences amusing himself with entering
every one's dwelling similarly circumstanced, and exposing his own to
the gaze of others. It is almost
impossible for a stranger, who has occupied lodgings,
and wishes to escarpe imposition, to avoid such intrusion into his private
rooms. We suffered this our selves, and therefore
speak from experience. Many
American women, we were told, occupy much of
their leisure time about this period in prying into the
abodes of foreigners, to see if they are respectable,
and have their rooms well furnished. Americans
could not have invented any domestic custom more
inquisitorial, or which gives a readier access to the
privacies of strangers.
THORNHILL, CANADA. Summer 1832. Canadian Women Married to and Swindled by
American Men.
Our landlady was a widow, and had come
originally from New-York. She was one of the
United States Loyalists, and the second or third
person who settled at Thornhill. This was at a time
when Yonge Street was no better than a continuous
forest, and a foot-path, or at most a horse-path, was
their only road. At that period. their wheat had to be
carried through forests, or by water, fifty or sixty
miles, before it could be converted into flour; and
letters might remain for six, months in the
Post-Office at York, before they could be forwarded
to the proper persons. Our landlady sometimes
alluded to the changes she had witnessed in the
removal of forests, the cultivation of lands. and in
conveniencies of all kinds. But she deplored these
changes; since people from England of some capital, who
generally prefer to purchase farms partially cleared
rather than seclude themselves within almost
impervious forests, were hereby induced to take up
their residence along the road, and to buy out the
original settlers. She had witnesscd the departure or
death of most of her co-temporary settlers; and
began to feel herself among a strange people of
another generation, with whom she had little
intercourse and less syrnpathy.
The former husband of our landlady had left her
with a family of sons and daughters, with a highly
improved farm, with flocks of sheep and herds of
cattle, and with five hundred pounds in money.
American republicans have been frequently found
prowling up and down Canada, in search of
something which they might be able to convert into
their own profit, regardless of the character or
welfare of their dupes. Our landlady, a handsome
widow with a handsome fortune, was not likely to
continue undiscovered. One of them, a physician by
profession, learned her history, was introduced,
gained her heart, and married her. He obtained
possession also of her cattle and her money, but not
of her land, for this was a grant from government
originally conveyed to herself, and she would never
part with it. This American, after living with her for
some time, and obtaining all she possessed but her
farm, found his way back into the States, where he
had another wife. The cattle and money obtained by
our landlady had previously disappeared.
This is by no means a solitary instance of such
tricks. During the year we were there, an American, I
was told, found his way to the affections of a young
and beautiful Canadian, and to the purse of her
father. He married her, and secured her fortune, and
then vanished for ever, from the confines of her
country. Americans boast of their skill in money-making;
and as it is the only standard of dignity, and
nobility, and worth, in that country, they
endeavour to obtain it by every possible means. A
person in Canada informed me, that he and
another gentleman, once overheard two
American fathers, arranging a marriage between
a son and a daughter. The bridegroom's father
had but little fortune to bestow, and the father of
the bride would not give his consent to such a
degrading union. The other hereupon assured
him, that his son was deserving of the wealthiest
lady in America, and then recounted numerous
instances of successful and clever villany, of
which his boy had been guilty, and which the
young lady's father admitted as equivalent to a
fortune. I heard so many instances of
well-acccredited cunning and knavery practised
by Americans on Canadians, that a volume might
be filled with such incidents.
NEW YORK CITY. 1834. American Husbands' Poor Estimation of their Wives
IT is a fact might be as confidently admitted as any of Euclid's
axioms, that there is an utter absence of all social communion and
fireside-enjoyment in America-indeed, their habits, looks, actions,
and words (though speaking the same language and springing from
the same stock) are as unlike English as they can well be. But one of
the most remarkable features in American Society is, notwithstanding
their affectation of gallantry, the low estimation in which the females
are held by the men.-Had the Americans caught their idea of
women from the creed of Mahomet, they could not have held their
intellectual powers cheaper than they do. An Englishman loves them
for their social qualities, a Frenchman for the charm they give to the
living-picture, as the idols to which he constantly sacrifices his
constitutional gallantry; but an American looks upon women as the
mere animal. If he believes they have a soul, he never suffers them
to discover it by either word, look, or action.
His idol is his dollars. He lives upon dollars, talks of nothing else
but dollars, & sleeps & dreams of dollars. The consequence is, as
might naturally be expected, that morals are at a very low ebb, and
are but little studied or understood by the American ladies. And this is
remarkably apparent in their intercourse with the male part of
society. There is a saying in England, that if a man does not look you
in the face whilst addressing you, he is not to be trusted: no American
lady looks a gentleman in the face either when speaking to him, or when she accidentally
meets
him, or he addresses her, either in a room or elsewhere. The heard is
half averted with an affected bashful, or what might more properly
be designated a sheepish look- mauvaise honte. There is none of
the liveliness of the French woman, nor of the virtuous confident
manner of the English woman. Both the latter have their rank in
society assigned them, and they assume their proper stations. An
American lady does not know her place, and she constantly seems
doubtful if she has any business in Society at all-She is constantly
left to cater for herself.
This is an evil in the Domestic circles of America, which hangs
like a dead weight upon their progress in civilization, & continually
checks moral improvement-nor can they ever hope to approach,
much less enjoy, the charms of polished life, till it is removed. An
American husband is an absolute hog in his own house. The little
time he does spare from the pursuit of his beloved dollars, is spent in
eating, smoking & spitting, or in phlegmatic silence, with his heels on
the dinner, tea, or supper table. Perchance he throws himself on a
Sofa, and mostly falls asleep after dinner-and if he has company, he
does not fail to amuse them a la drone. Conversation is out of the
question...
NEW YORK CITY. 1834. Marriage and Divorce Practices of the Americans;
Polygamy.
It is with matrimony as with all other matters in America, there is
no decent observance of ceremony, nor any importance attached to a
Union, such as should lead the parties seriously to consider it as
entering on a new and obligatory state of life, imposing duties upon
the observance of which the wellboing of a social & civilized
community chiefly depends.
Any marriage contract is lawful in the United States, whether the
parties go through a clerical ceremony, or a man simply says, on
entering a room, in the presence of a 3rd person, who signs a paper
as a witness, "I take this woman for my wife." Thousands, indeed the
majority of marriages, are so made in America, and it is a very
common thing for a girl to tell her husband, after they have lived
together as man & wife for a few weeks, that she is "tired of
matrimony," and forthwith She packs up her moveables, should she
be so fortunate as to have any, and walks off to her friends. Her
husband has no alternative but to live alone, unless he can obtain a
divorce, which is not a very difficult thing to do in the United States,
and thousands have not scrupled to make a fresh contract without
troubling themselves with tedious appeals to a court of law.
In New York, the only question a girl of the lower & middling
classes will trouble herself to put, on receiving an offer of marriage,
is-"Have you a wife in New York?" It is no uncommon thing for the
American to have one or two in another state. But each one being
governed by its own laws & customs, in respect to marriage, no
danger is apprehended on that head, and on the girl's being answered
in the negative, a paper is signed by a witness, probably instanter, and
the twain become one flesh: unless they should have the decency to
prefer the assistance of a divine or magistrate, the expense of which
is about a Dollar.
Sometimes the ladies are even less scrupulous than this. I
am acquainted with an English gentleman who emigrated to the
United States about a year & a half since, who had previously
married an English lady with a handsome property, but becoming politically prejudiced with
his own country, he resolved to
transfer his wealth to the United States & settle there. He, however, had the precaution to go
alone to make the trial, taking
with him a considerable sum with which he purchased a tract of
land on arriving at New York & the necessary implements for
clearing it, &c., and went up the country to his location without
delay. He found it in the neighbourhood of a farm, the owner of
which had a family of several daughters, and the new-comer
being a man of wealth & education, our American soon sought &
obtained his friendship. Every art was used to make him a constant visitor at his residence. The
result was, that though he had
in the outset told them he was a married man, & that his intention was to return to England &
fetch his wife, if he liked his situation in the new world, they used every species of manoeuvre
to influence him to remain & marry one of the daughters. But
this only disgusted him the more with his lonely life & solitary &
unprofitable situation-being obliged to do all the duties of husbandman, wood-cutter,
dairy-maid, &c. though he had ample
means to have paid for labour, but none was to be had. He no
sooner declared his intention of leaving the country than his
Yankee neighbours (which is generally the case) persecuted him
with every annoyance, and the result was he sold his land for
mere waste paper, though he had paid down his sterling gold for
it, & it is doubtful whether he will ever realize a penny of the
purchase money.
This is the fate of hundreds. And fortunate indeed is the
emigrant who goes over without his family to make the trial, for
hundreds are now living in America in a state of the greatest
misery, who would not have remained, had it not been from a
dread of again encountering a tedious voyage with a wife & children. I knew some disgraceful
instances of fellows who had left a
wife and family behind them in England, and made no scruple of
taking a second wife in America. One man had a wife & family
living with him in New York, whom he drove away to England by
his brutality, and though this was known to hundreds, he found
no difficulty in contracting a left-handed marriage with an
American girl possessed of 1000 dollars, and his oldest child, a
boy of 12 years old, was a witness to the whole transaction and
continued to live in the same house with his father.-In fact, it
is so common a thing for a man to have one wife in one state and a 2nd in another, that it is a
proverbial saying, "An
American has one wife in New York and another at Brooklyn."
Another man of 2 wives, who had married an American girl
with a small fortune, was a Methodist preacher within a few
miles of New York when I was there. When he left England he
had never mounted a pulpit, and his wife expected to be sent for
with her 6 children, as soon as circumstances permitted.
Finding, however, that she recŐd no summons, and suspecting all
was not right, she came over to New York, assisted in so doing
by her parish, and inquired for her husband. She was told there
was no person of the name in New York, but there was a Rev- of
the name at Newark. The poor woman posted off to that place,
and there found that her husband had abandoned her & been
married to an American girl who had borne him two children.
There is, however, a law by which persons may be punished
for bigamy in America but it is so expensive a proceeding, from
the difficulty of obtaining evidence, &c. that not one injured
person out of 5000 could avail themselves of it. In fact the law is
in such a state in North America, as regards marriage, and
morality is so lax in consequence, that their own papers are
continually complaining of it. One of the most ably conducted
Journals, the Sun, a short time since took an occasion to
observe, that such an enactment was much wanted in the
United States such as had lately been passed by the South
American states, which made it imperative upon all emigrants
entering their country to produce a certificate whether they
were married or not, and for the truth of which their resident
Consul must vouch.
A short time before I left New York, a poor woman presented
herself at the door of her runaway husband who had married an
American girl on reaching the United States, and upon her
knocking, he opened it himself. He asked her "what she wanted?" She told him she was his
wife. Upon this he slapped the
door in her face. The poor creature in vain tried to redress herself, and she must have perished
in the streets of New York with
her helpless children, but for the compassion of a few English
Emigrants, who provided her with food & shelter, and she is now
living decently, as a washerwoman, within sight of the dwelling of her
recreant husband.
But this state of concubinage is universal in America. I lodged for
a few days in one house where there were 14 couples living, as man
& wife, and the person who kept it declared to me that she knew
they were all living in a state of adultery. As for divorces, they are
granted in all the States upon very trivial evidence. According to a
late number of the Sun American Paper, in Ohio alone there were
5000 in less than two years. My readers may easily imagine what
must be the state of morality where such things can be with impunity,
and what are the prospects for a family of daughters, should any such
contemplate emigrating to the United States.
The customs observed at such marriages as are celebrated with
a kind of public recognition by their friends & relatives are anything
but such as would be desirable in well-regulated societies. A houseful
are invited, and of course there is a feast, which terminates with the
ceremony of the bride being saluted by every booby of the party. I
was present at one where the bridegroom by no means relished this
part of the proceeding, and stood peeping from behind a corner of the
room half blushing, half clenching his fist with rage, as the operation
proceeded, & no sooner had it closed, than he seized his brideŐs hand,
dragged her to a table where there stood a basin of water, and
himself well-washed her face. And this precaution was the more
necessary; as all the gentlemen present, with the exception of myself,
had been chewing tobacco & spitting about the room the whole time
they were present.
With marriage vows or contracts so loosely observed, an
American Judge has lately decided, in New Hampshire, that if a
gentleman for a considerable length of time pays particular attention
to a lady of the same rank & standing in life with himself, such as to
visit her (whether relation or not), or take her to visit at his father's, or
friends, &c. from these facts the jury have a right to presume a
promise of marriage.
NEW YORK CITY. 1834. Gentleman Callers on New Year's Day.
MOST nations have their peculiar customs and America is
behind none that I am acquainted with for the number &
peculiarity of hers. One of them is celebrated on the Ist of January,
or New-Year's Day, when all the youth of New York & other towns
are early on the move, trimmed out in the most approved fashions of
the day, & adorned with all the trinkets & ribbands they can muster.
Each one has previously made out a list of the names of those ladies
whom he intends to honour with a call 2 or 3 weeks beforehand. One
young American exhibited to me a catalogue of 50. Thus prepared,
they sally forth, and "rat, tat, tat," is the universal din. At every house
they enter, "Is Miss at home?" is the inquiry. Miss is all the while
simpering in the corner of the room, and upon receiving an
affirmative answer, the next observation is, "I am come to drink her
health & wish her a happy New Year." This is accordingly done, and
where they are acquaintances, a salute is thrown into the bargain. It
is, however, no matter whether the parties are strangers to each
other or not, every house is "liberty hall" on this day, and the Cogniac
and kisses are all given gratis.
One may very well imagine, that by the time young Corydon has
got through his list of 50, he is pretty well 3 sheets in the wind, or
"rather hazy" as the sailors say. But very many of the more
respectable classes seem to forget themselves on New Year's Day,
and to reel from house to house, in no very tempting condition to
make love in. I saw numbers led home on New Year's Day, 1834, in
New York, who, by the force of gravity, ever & anon came to the
ground. You might here & there see men, more sheepish than others,
stand peeping round a door, half hesitating whether they should
knock or not, whilst Miss might be discovered through the window,
every moment expecting the "rat, tat, tat." In some Streets you would
see one peeping, whilst a holder youth demanded admittance, and all
New York seemed to have poured forth her male population to do
the gallant on
this day. "They call it social," said an old half-bred testy republican
to me. "Pretty sociality it is for mothers to have their daughters
placed in a chair, like a stuck pig, for every fool to run his grizzly
beard against." "I guess," added the old man, with a laugh, "there's
many a match concocted in New York on New Year's Day, if
nothing worse happens."
I was told, that I should be fully expected to pay the honours &
take my dose of Cogniac Schnapps with all the pretty American girls
I had been introduced to. I was, however, too much amused with
what I saw to make a single effort on my own account. Myself & a
friend took the round of several streets to "spy out the nakedness of
the land," towards afternoon. We saw old maids & Bachelors, or
what ought to have been such "frosty with age," trudging about in all
directions. One youth had made his entrance & exit so often, that
after mounting the steps & knocking with great difficulty, he fell upon
them oblivious. How he was received by his fair one, I did not wait
to learn The whole scene, in fact was a perfect Saturnalia
throughout the city. No wonder there are so many divorces annually
in the State of Ohio.
NEW YORK CITY. 1834. The Unhappy Custom of Serenading Women.
IN lands where minstrelsy and melody are the order of the day; and
in countries where tourneys, chivalry, and beauty and bright eyes
were the burthen of the harper's soots; when ladies' favours were the
rewards of valor & victory; & where lovers wooed to the light
guitar amidst bowers of thyme & myrtle, beneath Italian skies; one
might still dream of midnight-songs and serenades. But will it be
allowed that your money-loving American, whose hands are eternally
in his breeches' pockets, fumbling his dollars, who has less voice &
fewer notes than a cuckoo, is to be seen in the streets of republican
America at one, two, or 3, in the morning, serenading his mistress,
with "Hard is my fate,"-"My Lodging is on the cold ground," &
various other pathetic melodies, to the annoyance of more peaceable
citizens? Yet such is the fact. One unhappy swain, to whom his
mistress had, I suppose, "given the beg," as they say in England, woke
me out of a comfortable sleep every night for a fortnight. And he had
no sooner made his exit, than another love-sick swain took up the like
trash a few doors further from my lodging, with something very like
the tones of a cracked clarinet-probably Apollo had not blessed him
even with an American voice. I might very well liken the tones of his
instrument to the cracking of a whip in the hands of a lusty English
waggoner.
NEW YORK CITY. Toil of Husbands and Idleness of Wives.
In New York, some friends, wishing to impress me with a conviction of the enviable lives of
American ladies, told me how the rich merchants take handsome houses in the upper part of the
city, and furnish them splendidly for their wives: how these gentlemen rise early, snatch their
breakfasts, hurry off two or three miles to their counting-houses, bustle about in the heat and
dust, noise and traffic of Pearl Street all the long summer's day, and come home in the evening,
almost too wearied to eat or speak; while their wives, for whose sake they have thus been toiling
after riches, have had the whole day to water their flowers, read the last English novel,
visit their acquaintance, and amuse themselves at
the milliner's; paying, perhaps, 100 dollars for
the newest Paris bonnet. The representation had a
different effect from what was expected. It
appeared to me that if the ladies prefer their
husbands' society to that of morning visitors and
milliners, they are quite as much to be pitied as
their hushands, that such a way of consuming life
is considered necessary or honourab]e. If they would prefer to wear bonnets costing a dollar
a-piece, and having some enjoyment of domestic
life, their fate is mournful; if they prefer
hundred dollar bonnets to the enjoyment of
domestic life, their lot is the most mournful of
all. In either case, they and their husbands cannot
but berestless and dissatisfied.
I was at a ball in New York, the splendour of
which equalled that of any entertainment I ever
witnessed. A few days after, the lady who gave
the ball asked me whether I did not disapprove of
the show and luxury of their society. I replied,
that of whatever was done for mere show, I did
disapprove; but that I liked luxury, and
approved of it, as long as the pleasures of some
did not encroach on the rights of others.
" But," said she, "our husbands have to pay for
it all. They work very hard."
" I suppose it is their own choice to do so. I should make
a different choice, perhaps; but if they prefer hard work and
plenty of money to indulge their families with, to moderate
work and less money, I do not see how you can expect me
to blame them."
"Oh, but we all live beyond our incomes."
" In that case, your pleasures encroach on the rights of
others, and I have no more to say."
If this be true, how should this class be otherwise than
restless and dissatisfied ?
MARRIAGE. General Treatise on Money and Property Rights of Wives; Divorce Laws;
Comparison of European and American Marriages; Morals Less Pure than Supposed.
If there is any country on earth where the
course of true love may be expected to run
smooth, it is America It is a country where all can
marry early, where there need be no anxiety
about a worldly provision, and where the troubles
arising from conventional considerations of rank
and connexion ought to be entirely absent. It is
difficult for a stranger to imagine beforehand why
all should not love and marry naturally and
freely, to the prevention of vice out of the
marriage state, and of the common causes of
unhappiness within it. The anticipations of the
stranger are not, however, fulfilled: and they
never can be while the one sex overbears the
other. Marriage is in America more nearly
universal, more safe, more tranquil, more
fortunate than in England: but it is still subject to
the troubles which arise from the inequality of the
parties in mind and in occupation. It is more
nearly universal, from the entire prosperity of the
country: it is safer, from the greater freedom of
divorce, and consequent discouragement of
swindling, and other vicious marriages: it is more
tranquil and fortunate from the marriage vows being
made absolutely reciprocal; from the
arrangements about property being generally far
more favorable to the wife than in England; and
from her not being made, as in England, to all
intents and purposes the property of her husband.
The outward requisites to happiness are nearly
complete, and the institution is purified from the
grossest of the scandals which degrade it in the
Old World: but it is still the imperfect institution
which it must remain while women continue to
be ill-educated, passive, and subservient: or well
educated, vigorous, and free only upon
sufferance.
The institution presents a different aspect in
the various parts of the country. I have spoken of
the early marriages of silly children in the south
and west, where, owing to the disproportion of
numbers, every woman is married before she
well knows how serious a matter human life is.
She has an advantage which very few women
elsewhere are allowed: she has her own property
to manage. It would be a rare sight elsewhere to
see a woman of twenty-one in her second
widowhood, managing her own farm or
plantation; and managing it well, because it had
been in her own hands during her marriage. In
Louisiana, and also in Missouri, (and probably in
other States,) a woman not only has half her
husband's property by right at his death, but may always be considered as
possessed of half his gains during his life;
having at all times power to bequeath that
amount. The husband interferes much less with
his wife's property in the south, even through her
voluntary relinquishment of it, than is at all usual
where the cases of women having property
during their marriage are rare. In the southern
newspapers, advertisements may at any time be
seen, running thus: " Mrs. A, wife of Mr. A,
will dispose of &c. &c." When Madame Lalaurie
was mobbed in New Orleans, no one meddled
with her husband or his possessions; as he was
no more responsible for her management of her
human property than anybody else. On the
whole, the practice seems to be that the weakest
and most ignorant women give up their property
to their husbands; the husbands of such women
being precisely the men most disposed to accept
it: and that the strongest-minded and most
conscientious women keep their property, and
use their rights; the husbands of such women
being precisely those who would refuse to
deprive their wives of their social duties and
privileges.
If this condition of the marriage law should
strike any English persons as a peculiarity, it is
well that they should know that it is the English
law which is peculiar, and not that of Louisiana.
The English alone vary from the old Saxon law,
that a wife shall possess half, or a large part, of
her husband's earnings or makings. It is so in
Spanish, French, and Italian law; and probably in
German, as the others are derived thence.
Massachusetts has copied the faults of the
English law, in this particular; and I never met
with any lawyer, or other citizen with whom I
conversed on the subject, who was not ashamed
of the barbarism of the law under which a
woman's property goes into her husband's hands
with herself. A liberalminded lawyer of Boston
told me that his advice to testators always is to
leave the largest possible amount to the widow,
subject to the condition of her leaving it to the
children: but that it is with shame that he reflects
that any woman should owe that to his
professional advice which the law should have
secured to her as a right. I heard a frequent
expression of indignation that the wife, the friend
and helper of many years, should be portioned
off with a legacy, like a salaried domestic,
instead of having her husband's affairs come
legally, as they would naturally, into her hands.
In Rhode Island, a widow is entitled to one-third
of her husband's property: and, on the sale of any
estate of his during his life, she is examined, in
the absence of the husband, as to her will with
regard to her own proportion of it. There is some
of the apparatus of female independence in the
country. It will be most interesting to observe to what uses it is put,
whenever the restraints of education and opinion
to which women are subject, shall be so far
relaxed as to leave them morally free.
I have mentioned that divorce is more easily
obtained in the United States than in England. In
no country, I believe, are the marriage laws so
iniquitous as in England, and the conjugal
relation, in consequence, so impaired. Whatever
maybe thought of the principles which are to
enter into laws of divorce, whether it be held
that pleas for divorce should be one, (as narrow
interpreters of the New Testament would have
it;) or two, (as the law of England habit;) or
several, (as the Continental and United States'
laws in many instances allow,) nobody, I believe,
defends the arrangement by which, in England,
divorce is obtainable only by the very rich. The
barbarism of granting that as a privilege to the
extremely wealthy, to which money bears no
relation whatever, and in which all married
persons whatever have an equal interest, needs
no exposure beyond the mere statement of the
fact. It will be seen at a glance how such an
arrangement tends to vitiate marriage: how it
offers impunity to adventurers, and
encouragement to every kind of mercenary
marriages: how absolute is its oppression of the
injured party: and how, by vitiating marriage, it
originates and aggravates licentiousness to an incalculable extent. To
England alone belongs the disgrace of such a
method of legislation. I believe that, while there
is little to be said for the legislation of any part of
the world on this head, it is nowhere so vicious
as in England.
Of the American States, I believe New York
approaches nearest to England in its laws of divorce. It is less rigid, in as far as that more is
comprehended under the term " cruelty." The
husband is supposed to be liable to cruelty from
the wife, as well as the wife from the husband.
There is no practical distinction made between
rich and poor by the process being rendered
expensive: and the cause is more easily
resumable after a reconciliation of the parties. In
Massachusetts, the term " cruelty" is made so
comprehensive, and the mode of sustaining the
plea is so considerately devised, that divorces are
obtainable with peculiar ease. The natural
consequence follows: such a thing is never heard
oŁ A long-established and very eminent lawyer
of Boston told me that he had known of only
one in all his experience. Thus it is wherever the
law is relaxed, and, caeteris paribus, in
proportion to its relaxation: for the obvious
reason, that the protection offered by law to the
injured party causes marriages to be entered into
with fewer risks, and the conjugal relation
carried
on with more equality. Retribution is known to
impend over violations of conjugal duty. When I
was in North Carolina, the wife of a gamester
there obtained a divorce without the slightest
difficulty. When she had brought evidence of the
danger to herself and her children,—danger
pecuniary and moral, from her husband's
gambling habits, the bill passed both Houses
without a dissenting voice.
It is clear that the sole business which legislation has with marriage is with the arrangement
of
property; to guard the reciprocal rights of the
children of the marriage and the community.
There is no further pretence for the interference
of the law, in any way. An advance towards the
recognition of the true principle of legislative
interference in marriage has been made in
England, in the new law, in which the agreement
of marriage is made a civil contract, leaving the
religious obligation to the conscience and taste of
the parties. It will be probably next perceived
that if the civil obligation is fulfilled, if the
children of the marriage are legally and
satisfactorily provided for by the parties, without
the assistance of the legislature, the legislature
has, in principle, nothing more to do with the
matter. This principle has been acted upon in the
marriage arrangements of Zurich, with the best
effects upon the morals of the conjugal relation.
The parties there are married by a
form; and have liberty to divorce themselves
without any appeal to law, on showing that they
have legally provided for the children of the
marriage. There was some previous alarm about
the effect upon morals of the removal of such
important legal restrictions: but the event justified
the confidence of those who proceeded on the
conviction that the laws of human affection, when
not tampered with, are more sacred and binding
than those of any legislature that ever sat in
council. There was some levity at first, chiefly on
the part of those who were suffering under the old
system: but the morals of the society soon became,
and have since remained, peculiarly pure.
It is assumed in America, particularly in New
England, that the morals of society there are peculiarly pure. I am grieved to doubt the fact: but I
do
doubt it. Nothing like a comparison between one
country and another in different circumstances can
be instituted: nor would any one desire to enter
upon such a comparison. The bottomless vice, the
all-pervading corruption of European society
cannot, by possibility, be yet paralleled in
America: but neither is it true that any outward
prosperity, any arrangement of circumstances, can
keep a society pure while there is corruption in its
social methods, and among its principles of individual action. Even in America, where every
young
man may, if he chooses, marry at twenty-one, and
appropriate all the best comforts of domestic life,--
even here there is vice. Men do not choose to
marry early, because they have learned to think
other things of more importance than the best
comforts of domestic life. A gentleman of Massachusetts, who knows life and the value of most
things in it, spoke to me with deep concern of the
alteration in manners which is going on: of the
increase of bachelors, and of mercenary marriages; and of the fearful consequences. It is too
soon for
America to be following the old world in its ways.
In the old world, the necessity of thinking of a
maintenance before thinking of a wife has led to
requiring a certain style of living before taking a
wife; and then, alas ! to taking a wife for the sake
of securing a certain style of living. That this
species of corruption is already spreading in the
new world is beyond a doubt; in the cities,
where the people who live for wealth and for
opinion congregate.
I was struck with the great number of New
England women whom I saw married to men old
enough to be their fathers. One instance which
perplexed me exceedingly, on my entrance into
the country, was explained very little to my satisfaction. The girl had been engaged to a young
man
whom she was attached to: her mother broke
off the engagement, and married her to a rich old
man. This story was a real shock to me; so persuaded had I been that in America, at least, one
might escape from the disgusting spectacle of
mercenary marriages. But I saw only too many
instances afterwards. The practice was ascribed
to the often-mentioned fact of the young men migrating westwards in large numbers, leaving
those who should be their wives to marry
widowers of double their age. The Auld Robin
Gray story is a frequently enacted tragedy here:
and one of the worst symptoms that struck me
was, that there was usually a demand upon my
sympathy in such cases. I have no sympathy for
those who, under any pressure of circumstances,
sacrifice their heart's-love for legal prostitution;
and no environment of beauty or sentiment can
deprive the fact of its coarseness: and least of all
could I sympathise with women who set the
example of marrying for an establishment in a
new country, where, if anywhere, the conjugal
relation should be found in its purity.
The unavoidable consequence of such a mode
of marrying is, that the sanctity of marriage is
impaired, and that vice succeeds. Any one must
see at a glance that if men and women marry
those whom they do not love, they must love
those whom they do not marry. There are sad
tales in country villages, here and there, which
attest this; and yet
more in towns, in a rank of society where such
things are seldom or never heard of in England. I
rather think that married life is immeasurably
purer in America than in England: but that there
is not otherwise much superiority to boast of. I
can only say, that I unavoidably knew of more
cases of lapse in highly respectable families in
one State than ever came to my knowledge at
home; and that they were got over with a
disgrace far more temporary and superficial than
they could have been visited with in England. I
am aware that in Europe the victims are chosen,
with deliberate selfishness, from classes which
cannot make known their perils and their injuries; while in America, happily, no such class
exists.
I am aware that this destroys all possibility of a
comparison: but the fact remains, that the morals
of American society are less pure than they
assume to be. If the common boast be meant to
apply to the rural population, at least let it not be
made, either in pious gratitude, or patriotic
conceit, by the aristocratic city classes, who, by
introducing the practice of mercenary marriages,
have rendered themselves responsible for
whatever dreadful consequences may ensue.
The ultimate and very strong impression on
the mind of a stranger, pondering the morals of
society in America, is that human nature is much
the same everywhere, whatever may be its
environment of riches or poverty; and that it is
justice to the human nature, and not improvement
in fortunes, which must be looked to as the
promise of a better time. Laws and customs may
be creative of vice; and should be therefore
perpetually under process of observation and
correction: but laws and customs cannot be
creative of virtue: they may encouraged and help to
preserve it; but they cannot originate it. In the
present case, the course to be pursued is to exalt
the aims, and strengthen the self-discipline of the
whole of society, by each one being as good as he
can make himself, and relying on his own efforts
after self-perfection rather than on any fortunate
arrangements of outward social circumstances.
Women, especially, should be allowed the use and
benefit of whatever native strength their Maker
has seen fit to give them. It is essential to the
virtue of society that they should be allowed the
freest moral action, unfettered by ignorance, and
unintimidated by authority: for it is unquestioned
and unquestionable that if women were not weak,
men could not be wicked: that if women were
bravely pure, there must be an end to the dastardly
tyranny of licentiousness.
ON THE STEAMBOAT PIKE, FROM LOUISVILLE TO ST. LOUIS. Spring 1842.
Reunion of Husband and Wife
There was a little woman on board, widh a little baby; and both
little woman and little child were cheerful, goodlooking,
bright-eyed, and fair to see. The little woman had been passing a
long time with her sick mother in New York, and had left her home
in St. Louis, in that condition in which ladies who truly love dheir
lords desire to be. The baby was born in her mother's house; and
she had not seen her husband (to whom she was now returning),
for twelve months: having left him a month or two after their
marriage.
Well, to be sure, there never was a little woman so full of hope,
and tenderness, and love, and anxiety, as this little woman was:
and all day long she wondered whether "He" would be at dhe
wharf; and whether "He" had got her letter; and whether, if she
sent the baby ashore by somebody else,
He would know it, meeting it in the street: which, seeing that
he had never set eyes upon it in his life, was not very likely in the abstract, but was probable
enough, to the young mother.
She was such an artless little creature; and was in such a sunny,
beaming, hopeful state; and let out all this matter clinging close
about her heart, so freely; that all the other lady passengers
entered into the spirit of it as much as she; and the captain (who
heard all about it from his wife) was wondrous sly, I promise you:
inquiring, every time we met at table, as in forgetfulness, whether
she expected anybody to meet her at St. Louis, and whether she
would want to go ashore the night we reached it (but he supposed
she wouldn't), and cutting many other dry jokes of that nature.
There was one litte weazen, dried-apple-faced old woman, who
took occasion to doubt the constancy of husbands in such
circumstances of bereavement; and there was another lady (with
a lap-dog) old enough to moralize on the lightness of human
affections, and yet not so old that she could help nursing the
baby, now and then, or laughing with the rest, when the little
woman called it by its father's name, and asked it all manner of
fantastic questions concerning him in the joy of her heart.
It was somedhing of a blow to the litde woman, that when we
were within twenty miles of our destination, it became clearly
necessary to put this baby to bed. But she got over it with the
same good humour; tied a handkerchief round her head; and came
out into the little gallery with the rest. Then, such an oracle as
she became in reference to the localities and such facetiousness
as was displayed by the married ladiesl! and such sympathy as
was shown by the single ones! and such peals of laughter as the
little woman herself (who would just as soon have cried) greeted
every jest with!
At last, there were the lights of St. Louis, and here was the
wharf, and those were the steps: and the little woman covering her face with her hands, and
laughing (or seeming to laugh)
more than ever, ran into her own cabin, and shut herself up. I have
no doubt that in the charming inconsistency of such excitement,
she stopped her ears, lest she should hear "Him" asking for her:
but I did not see her do it.
Then, a great crowd of people rushed on board, though the
boat was not yet made fast, but was wandering about, among the
other boats, to find a landing-place: and everybody looked for the
husband: and nobody saw him: when, in tbe midst of us
all-Heaven knows how she ever got there- there was the little
woman clinging with both arms tight round the neck of a fine,
good-looking, sturdy young fellow! and in a moment afterwards,
there she was again, actually clapping her little hands for joy, as
she dragged him through the small door of her small cabin, to
look at the baby as he lay asleep!
Rev. Isaac Fidler
Richard Gooch
Harriet Martineau
Charles Dickens